I did it!

Only have time for a very quick post before I get back to the craziness that is May in my household, but I had to share the few pics I took and my thoughts about yesterday's Save the Manatees 5K.

The day could have gotten off to a better start. I woke up with a headache, totally self-inflicted so I was determined to power through it. See, I'm a caffeine addict. I don't mean I'm cranky before I have my morning coffee. I mean I get migraine-like withdrawal headaches if I don't keep up with the habit, and I was on the go so much on Friday between a morning run, afternoon at the park, and evening getting a new dog that landed on our doorstep settled in that I just didn't feel much like anything other than water. And I was paying for it as I got ready to go, but after a breakfast of Motrin and toast I was feeling a bit better by the time we got on the road.

It was cool and cloudy when we arrived, but as the morning progressed the sun did make an appearance. The weather really couldn't have been better - probably mid-60s with a gentle, warmish breeze. We got to Lake St Clair Metropark around 8:30, which gave us plenty of time to pick up our race packets and stretch a little before the 9:30 start.

Shanna had to have her picture taken in front of the giant manatee balloon.

It was clearly a family-oriented event. The race packet for under-12 runners included a really cute stuffed manatee. A DJ was on hand to entertain the crowd, playing a very beachy selection of tunes, heavy on the Jimmy Buffet. Very apropos since Jimmy Buffet is one of the founders of the Save the Manatee club. An adorable clown was on hand making some very creative balloon animals for the kids, including manatees of course.

The first race of the day was the Mini-Mile and it was really cute watching the little ones line up to run. The youngest child out there couldn't have been more than 3 or 4, and it got me thinking that next year maybe Katie would like to join us. 

Then it was our turn. The turnout was bigger than I'd expected, about 1200 people registered for either the 5K run or 2 mile walk, but once we got a few hundred yards from the start the course didn't feel crowded at all. Shanna and I ran together for about the first half mile, then I slowed to walk some and she left me in her dust. I only caught sight of her once after that, when the course doubled back on itself, and according to her time she was at the finish line about as I hit the 2 mile marker. 

The course itself was very nice. The park occupies a small outcropping into the lake, and the course went all the way out to the end before doubling back and winding through the more developed parts of the park. 

I ran about half of the first mile, then walked all of the second, then alternated between running and walking through the rest. My overall time wasn't bad - 46:47, which breaks down to 15:05 per mile. I'm shooting for 15 minutes as my first pace goal, because that feels comfortably under the 16min/mile pacing requirement for the time-limited races I'm interested in, so I did get close and was slightly faster than my best training run so far. I was disappointed with myself for not running more, though. I wasn't sore and was only mildly tired afterwards, so I know I could have pushed myself harder. 

I was very proud of Shanna, though! Her final time was 31:11, pretty good for a first effort especially since she abandoned me on our C25K program for the duration of track and baseball seasons! 

All in all it was a very nice outing. I'm taking today off to work on things in my garden and around the house, but I'll be right back out on the track tomorrow morning to get ready for the next race, which right now is looking like it'll a local charity fundraiser on July 20th. 

Two tough weeks

I've started this post a few times over the last week, but never end up finishing it. I always end up feeling like a whiner by the end... But I think I do need to get this out and let it go before I can break out of the funk I've been in.

Two weeks ago, my 4 year old daughter's best friend lost her mother. It was sudden, unexpected, and quite frankly terrifying. On her 40th birthday she just didn't wake up. She was overweight but otherwise healthy, and though she was under a lot of stress she seemed to be handling it well.

Her daughter, V, was here with me all day the day it happened. No one had told her yet. Her mom's boyfriend, who found her - thank God he was the first one up! - didn't know how to break the news and her grandparents spent the better part of the day dealing with the practical worries.

There are no words that can do justice to how difficult it was to play with the girls like it was a normal day. All I wanted to do was hug the stuffing out of little V. She's been best friends with my youngest since they we moved in here, when V was 3 and my daughter was 2. In that time she hasn't had any contact with her father at all so her mom really was her whole world.

When her Nana and Papa came to pick her up, I went out for a run. I thought it would clear my head but all I ended up doing was overdoing it in a big way. I didn't take my phone so I wasn't doing timed intervals, just running until I had to walk and then running again when I caught my breath. Not exactly the smartest thing I've ever done but at least I slept well afterwards.

I haven't been out walking or running since. I could barely move on Saturday, but got on with our usual - track meet, baseball game, playground, church. But somewhere in there, V called and wanted to talk to my KJ. She told her what happened to her mom and they talked for a long time.

No four year old should know that mothers aren't invincible and ever since that phone call mine is struggling mightily with that realization.

The following Monday we had our very first meltdown at school about leaving me. This is a little girl who was so eager to start school that she didn't even want to take the time to give me a hug and kiss on her first day, and who gets upset over school breaks. But she didn't want to let me out of her sight.

She hasn't stayed in her bed all night even once in the past two weeks. Every night she wakes up, usually just as I fall asleep, and climbs in with DH & I.

Every time we get in the car we have the same conversation. It starts like this: "Mommy, I don't want you to go live with Jesus." I'm not a religious woman but I am so thankful that she does have the teachings of a year of Catholic school to draw on as she tries to cope with this. It is certainly easier than trying to explain death outside of the context of any faith.

She even turned down a sleepover at her Nana's house. She never does that. Papa takes her grocery shopping and they cook together and he lets her have cookies before dinner and jump on the bed, then Nana runs her a bath so she can "swim" in their oversized tub before falling asleep watching Disney movies.

So through all of this, I'm not sleeping well and I'm certainly not forcing the issue of "me time" to go running when K is so clingy that I can hardly go to the bathroom without her. We're spending our days doing fun things together so she doesn't spend so much time thinking about V's absence, since up until 2 weeks ago V was here after school virtually every day.

The problem is, I've let it completely kill my motivation. Not just about running - even planning my next Disney trip doesn't do it for me, and I'm so glad this is the break between terms because there's no way I could focus on coursework right now.

And this is why I feel whiny. This isn't my tragedy, but I can't seem to get it out of my head much less get back to normal. I have so many things coming up in the next month that I'm looking forward to but right now I have no enthusiasm for any of it. Dealing with the day to day of reassuring K and trying not to think about my own mortality is taking all the emotional energy I can muster.

I'd like to say I'll get out there tomorrow but really I doubt I will. Monday, though, I'll be on the track or on the trail come hell or high water. No excuses. KJ will be in school and I need to make the most of that time until things get back to normal.

The 5K with my 11 year old is one week from today and I'm not going to disappoint her.