Two tough weeks

I've started this post a few times over the last week, but never end up finishing it. I always end up feeling like a whiner by the end... But I think I do need to get this out and let it go before I can break out of the funk I've been in.

Two weeks ago, my 4 year old daughter's best friend lost her mother. It was sudden, unexpected, and quite frankly terrifying. On her 40th birthday she just didn't wake up. She was overweight but otherwise healthy, and though she was under a lot of stress she seemed to be handling it well.

Her daughter, V, was here with me all day the day it happened. No one had told her yet. Her mom's boyfriend, who found her - thank God he was the first one up! - didn't know how to break the news and her grandparents spent the better part of the day dealing with the practical worries.

There are no words that can do justice to how difficult it was to play with the girls like it was a normal day. All I wanted to do was hug the stuffing out of little V. She's been best friends with my youngest since they we moved in here, when V was 3 and my daughter was 2. In that time she hasn't had any contact with her father at all so her mom really was her whole world.

When her Nana and Papa came to pick her up, I went out for a run. I thought it would clear my head but all I ended up doing was overdoing it in a big way. I didn't take my phone so I wasn't doing timed intervals, just running until I had to walk and then running again when I caught my breath. Not exactly the smartest thing I've ever done but at least I slept well afterwards.

I haven't been out walking or running since. I could barely move on Saturday, but got on with our usual - track meet, baseball game, playground, church. But somewhere in there, V called and wanted to talk to my KJ. She told her what happened to her mom and they talked for a long time.

No four year old should know that mothers aren't invincible and ever since that phone call mine is struggling mightily with that realization.

The following Monday we had our very first meltdown at school about leaving me. This is a little girl who was so eager to start school that she didn't even want to take the time to give me a hug and kiss on her first day, and who gets upset over school breaks. But she didn't want to let me out of her sight.

She hasn't stayed in her bed all night even once in the past two weeks. Every night she wakes up, usually just as I fall asleep, and climbs in with DH & I.

Every time we get in the car we have the same conversation. It starts like this: "Mommy, I don't want you to go live with Jesus." I'm not a religious woman but I am so thankful that she does have the teachings of a year of Catholic school to draw on as she tries to cope with this. It is certainly easier than trying to explain death outside of the context of any faith.

She even turned down a sleepover at her Nana's house. She never does that. Papa takes her grocery shopping and they cook together and he lets her have cookies before dinner and jump on the bed, then Nana runs her a bath so she can "swim" in their oversized tub before falling asleep watching Disney movies.

So through all of this, I'm not sleeping well and I'm certainly not forcing the issue of "me time" to go running when K is so clingy that I can hardly go to the bathroom without her. We're spending our days doing fun things together so she doesn't spend so much time thinking about V's absence, since up until 2 weeks ago V was here after school virtually every day.

The problem is, I've let it completely kill my motivation. Not just about running - even planning my next Disney trip doesn't do it for me, and I'm so glad this is the break between terms because there's no way I could focus on coursework right now.

And this is why I feel whiny. This isn't my tragedy, but I can't seem to get it out of my head much less get back to normal. I have so many things coming up in the next month that I'm looking forward to but right now I have no enthusiasm for any of it. Dealing with the day to day of reassuring K and trying not to think about my own mortality is taking all the emotional energy I can muster.

I'd like to say I'll get out there tomorrow but really I doubt I will. Monday, though, I'll be on the track or on the trail come hell or high water. No excuses. KJ will be in school and I need to make the most of that time until things get back to normal.

The 5K with my 11 year old is one week from today and I'm not going to disappoint her.